Lost Emotion
by Odeeyou
Summary: He'd pushed his feelings aside for so long, he'd forgotten what they felt like. He wants to change that. He wants to love. But he doesnt know how. . . (One shot)


DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything Harry Potter-ish. It all belongs to Rowling. If you haven't figured that out by now, you are truly a dense person. And if you take offense of that, it only proves that you are. No offense.

Ginny smiled after exchanging presents with her brother and other friends. Having decided her fifth year to spend Christmas at Hogwarts. After what happened at the Ministry, she had become better friends with that of the trio. They had become something of a quartet.

Christmas had been just like many of the other Christmas's of the past. Full of good cheer and holiday spirit. It was only this year, when she spent more time around the trio, did she really get to know Harry.

It was no secret that she still harbored feelings for the young black haired green-eyed teen. Damn near everyone knew about it. With one exception. Harry of course. Who seemed to notice everything but her.

But she always had a feeling that he did notice her. But simply choose not to. Choosing instead to block out what emotions he deemed not necessary. For many people, this was normal for Harry. Especially after what happened to Cedric and Sirius. But she always had a feeling that it was more than that. That perhaps it ran deeper. Deeper than anyone knew.

She wandered the halls by herself later that Christmas day. Not really sure what to do with her time or her holiday spirit. Somewhat dimmed at having to spend it alone. Ron and Hermione were probably snogging somewhere under the mistletoe having FINALLY gotten together. She wasn't sure where Harry was.

He was most likely alone. She didn't like that. Nobody did. But he often was these days. And few people had been able to do much about it. But leave him to his thoughts. Her heart went out to him. But she and everyone knew he held no intimate feelings for her.

She didn't like it. But she had come to accept it. Not much to do about it really. But at least she could say that she had become a better friend to Harry. Where the last four years of school she had been little more than just "Ron's baby sister."

Heading back to the dorms, she grinned at seeing even some of the paintings drinking eggnog and enjoying the spirit of the holiday. It was the time when people put everything aside for their fellow man. Only one person it seemed wished to stay alone. Harry.

Arriving back at the Griffindore common room, she was startled, but not surprised to see Harry sitting alone in the room. Sitting at the window. Looking at the blanket of snow that fell across the landscape. His eyes were as cold as the snow itself. Looking sadder then she had ever seen him.

Saying nothing, she sat in one of the chairs near the fire. Watching the flames silently and listening to the crack of the wood burning. Constantly being fueled by whatever magic enchanted it.

More often than not her time spent with Harry was like this. Silent. Not that she minded terribly. Silence was a good thing. Something that most people didn't get very often. But too much silence could be a bad thing. She didn't like to be alone for too long. And she didn't like leaving Harry alone for too long. Although he always preferred privacy these days, he never complained to her.

"I'm tired Ginny."

She blinked. This time she was very surprised. To have the silence broken by him. That was unexpected. He had been so silent to everyone recently. Even though he had talked earlier that day when presents were exchanged and they went to the great hall for lunch. For some reason, that had been different. He'd sounded different.

"I'm so very tired." He said again. Sounding more melancholy than she had ever heard him speak. This was the side he had been hiding from everyone. The silent part of him that never knew how to speak.

She looked at him slightly confusedly. Unsure of just what he was saying to her. Tired of what? "If you want, you can take a nap you know. . ."

"I'm tired of everything." Standing up, he leaned on the window with his arms crossed. Looking even more depressed as he surveyed the grounds below. "I wont lie to you when I say I've thought greatly of ending it. Ending everything. Ending it all."

"Harry. . ." Ginny got up from her chair and took a few unsure steps toward him. He was starting to scare her. If what he was saying. . . She didn't want to lose him. Even if he didn't hold feelings for her. "You haven't. . . You aren't planning on. . ." She was afraid to say it.

He shook his head negative and gave an empty laugh. Which she didn't know how to react to. "No. But I wont say that I haven't thought about it. I've thought about it for 16 years."

16? She wondered. But Harry was only 16 years old. Sure he couldn't have been thinking back then that. . . Surely he couldn't.

"I know what your thinking." He gave another empty laugh. "Its an odd thought that someone so young could wish for death. But that's the childhood I grew up in. The first ten years of my childhood I lived in a cupboard under the stairs. I was beaten when I did wrong. Beaten when I did right. I never told anyone. Growing up believing that I would never be anything. Never do anything. Never amount to anything. Not one ounce of love for a little boy that lived."

"Harry. . ." She said softly. Tears already brimming at her eyes. Standing a few feet away from him. Oh, God how she wanted to embrace him right now. Hug away his worries and fears. But apart of her couldn't stop him. He was telling her something that he had probably never told anyone. He needed to get it out.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe the though of being alone the rest of my life is finally getting to me." He sighed the tired sigh you might hear from an old man who is waiting for death. Not a sixteen-year-old boy.

Ginny still stood a few feet away from him. Unable to move. Afraid to move. This was a side of Harry she had never seen. And never wanted to see. And the sadder part was that there was nothing she could really do about it.

"Then came Hogwarts." He said somewhat more cheerfully. Though still sorrowful. But it still made her smile a bit. Glad to see a little if any happiness in him. "When I was told I was somebody. That I would amount to something. That I would do something. That great things were expected of me. Only later would I realize that the only thing expected of me was the destruction of Voldemort. Prophesized long ago."

"Your more than that Harry. . ." she wanted to continue, but she knew that what he said was in part true. In part. But when everything that was bad and horrible in the world was pressing down on you, life could look horribly bleak. But sixteen years?

As though reading her thoughts, he continued. "I grew up not knowing love. Not knowing what it was, what it is, what it could be. Growing up being taught that it would always be impossible for me. The forbidden fruit of my life. I want to change, Ginny. I want to change that but I don't know how."

She finally understood why he chose to seclude himself from others. Bury his feelings and emotions. He never knew how to express them. Seeing it in other people but always being unobtainable to him. She finally managed to make another small step toward him. But only a small step.

He shook his head sadly. "I don't know what true love is. I know that other people have felt it for me. My mother. My father. Sirius. I know they felt it for me but I never felt it for them. How do you know true love if you cant identify it? If only you are supposed to feel it and know it?"

Ginny hugged her arms close to her. She always told herself that she was in love with Harry. It was just something she knew. Something she felt. She couldn't identify it, it was just something she knew. And she knew she didn't have an answer for him.

"I know that you still have feelings for me Ginny."

Her head shot up at him. Shock and disbelief on her face. Surprised that he knew. But what did he mean by that? If he knew al the time, why didn't he say anything to her? Do anything? Perhaps she was still Ron's baby sister. . . She thought bitterly.

"You don't know how badly I've wanted to say the same about you. Gin." He'd gotten her attention again. "You don't know how badly I've wanted to hold you in my arms in one of those embraces that you only read about in stories. To tell you those three words that are supposed to mean all the world to a person. To share a kiss so passionate it would be the closest thing to Heaven on Earth."

She took another step toward him. Almost not believing the words coming out of his mouth that she had wanted to hear from him since her first year. When she first felt these feelings for him. She was only a mere three feet from him now and it felt like a mile.

"But I cant." His voice was so full of despair she couldn't decide is she should feel more badly for herself for getting her hopes up or for him. "I want to but I don't know how. I wont until I know what true love is. I can't bear the thought of putting anyone through the hurt I have felt."

"I have been told for so long that these things were impossible to me, that I have actually started to believe them." His head fell downward and he raised his hands to the back of his neck. "I can't even cry anymore. I'd forgotten how. I've kept my emotions pushed aside for so long that I have started choosing to push them aside."

She took another two steps. Only a foot away from him now. Slowly she raised her hands, looking to place them on his shoulders. Wanting to somehow sooth him. But in reality she had no idea how too. Or even how to begin. She pulled her hands back when he started to turn around.

Slowly he slid to the floor and buried his head in his knees with his back to the wall. "I'm so tired Ginny. I want to change that Ginny. I want to know what love is. I want to change that or end it all. But I don't know how."

Kneeling don't to the floor, she put her arms on his shoulders and pulled him forward. Pulling him into a hug. Which she was happy to note he returned. Sitting her chin in his shoulder she felt him bury his head in her hair. Still unable to cry. But that didn't stop her from shedding her own tears. "Don't worry Harry. I'll help you change that."


End file.
